Friday, January 26, 2007
the wisdom of jack
CBB5 Day Twenty-Two
Deep in the heart of London SW1, halfway between Tate Britain and Scotland Yard, lies Horseferry Road, the home to our friends at Channel 4. It would be no surprise if we learned that CH4 executives had been out en masse flinging themselves under buses following the latest in a line of comedy of errors that has fated this latest (last?) series of CBB.
But no, even the phone vote for this week’s evictions fell foul of the most basic of mistakes, and so CH4 are forced to refund money, but yet again have blown the goodwill and belief of their viewers away.
Gruesome Jo had, of course, to rain on the parade, and inform us all, in her gruff, rough manner, that ‘it ain’t snow’. She repeated this mantra in the style of a skanky kid taking pleasure in informing a bunch of five year olds that faeries don’t exist.
Jo has become the whiniest housemate in CBB history, and there is plenty of competition for that accolade. She whines about the food, her colleagues, and most of all, about the tasks. If I was in there, I think it would only be the daily tasks that would stop me from going stir crazy with the routine of it all.
Then the nominations, and inevitably, it was Jo who fell back on to the old, tried and trusted, ‘delighted to be nominated’ gambit. This is the traditional response from a needy inmate who wants to mask their insecurity, and does so by overcompensating in their response to nomination.
Jack, the great intellectual. The Bertrand Russell of Borehamwood. It just doesn’t fit.
Hence the famous lyric:
“She told me her name was Billie Jean, as she volleyed an overhead smash past Evonne Goolagong.”
# posted by Terence : 7:52 PM
Thursday, January 25, 2007
the showgirl shoes
CBB5 Day Twenty-One
Such a day of culture in the Big Brother house. Danielle examining the metaphysical conundrum, 'is a potato a vegetable?'. A question that would have perplexed the combined great minds of the Ancient Greek philosophers. In the great schools of Athens, in the Lyceum and the Academy, the debate might have raged - why are we here? what does it all mean? is a potato a vegetable?
Sadly, as the potato was an unknown beast, outside of America, until a couple of thousand years later, those great philosophers did not have a chance to ponder such a matter.
Dirk, in noting Danielle's endless capacity for finding a use for the 'f' word at least once in each sentence she splutters upon us, referred to the paradox of Danielle's deployment of her favourite adjective, and the notion that she comes from the country that 'gave us Shakespeare'.
Danielle, of course, is more like a character from Geoffrey Chaucer, Shakespeare's most notable predecessor in English literature. Ms Lloyd's agent should be seeking casting auditions for her client in the very next available production of The Canterbury Tales. She would be a certainty for the role of Alison in the Miller's Tale.
Away from these loftier notions, in the diary room, Jack blurted out that sitting in that weird chair was "like being arrested". He was quick to reassure us that he has never actually been arrested, and thus, his comparison was based on a sort of speculative fantasy. Of course.
There has been much relief the length and breadth of the nation now that we have discovered that Jack has not been inflicted with some terrible disease that left him without the power of speech and, indeed, the power of thought. We now know that there is at least some intellectual light shining inside his bonce, as he has been heard to mumble a few words here and there. A few of these words even had more than one syllable.
Though not many.
If you had asked every CBB5 viewer what 'prize' Jermaine would choose, given a free choice as a reward for Shilpa passing some rather badly produced quiz, I doubt that even one of them would have predicted Jermaine would have picked as his great trophy, the shoes that he wore, the previous day, in the Scissor Sisters dance routine.
Jermaine has, I suspect, rather a wicked sense of humour beneath that defensive wall he hides behind. He became ever more animated and desperate as the possibility of owning those shoes seemed to fade away as Shilpa stumbled over a couple of questions. Then, such relief for our footwear obsessed buccaneer, as Shilpa grabbed at the right answer, when asked the final question.
"You'll never forget this show... every time you put on those shoes", said Dirk in his grumpy, pessimistic view of the whole CBB experience.
Jermaine has coped, in a quiet and dignified way, with everything this last twenty-one days has sent his way.
I rather like the fellow.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 6:31 PM
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
the washing up brothers
CBB5 Day Twenty
You know how we keep reading in the newspapers about low-budget satnav systems sending their unwitting owners into rivers and over cliffs?* This is rather the stage we have come to now with CBB5. The inmates are being led to a kind of celebrity oblivion, with no alternative routes mapped, and no warning signs along the way.
Jo has now revealed a third hobby, to add to her other two - bunging ten pence pieces into fruit machines in Essex amusement arcades, and nicking toilet rolls from restaurant bathrooms. This new hobby is biting her fingernails until she reaches her elbows, whilst continually speculating about 'a big news story outside'. My! She must be psychic... or burdened with a guilty concern regarding her behaviour which she continues to be unable to contain.
Jo is forging ahead with her craving for turning her ire to grumpy Dirk. She said, "He's got an attitude problem... miserable, twisted, bitter old man." A psychologist may consider that she was reflecting upon her own personality and transferring her self-analysis towards Dirk. Except for the 'old man' bit obviously. Hmmm... I don't know though....
H from Steps (how he must hate that description!) in his alarming singlet (he looks like a P.E. teacher) tells us that "nobody understands what we're going through" describing it as if the housemates have been transported back to 19th century Crimea and have ridden with the Cavalry in the Charge of the Light Brigade, rather than sitting around in an air-conditioned tv studio being fed chocolate cake and ice cream.
"Theirs not to reason why / Theirs but to butter some toast", as Alfred, Lord Tennyson nearly said.
H, though, loves the tasks, in a sort of masochistic, ultra-serious fashion. The Scissor Sisters routine saw H once again bashfully putting himself in the role of technical director. He seemed to be visualising himself directing Darcy Bussell at the Royal Ballet, rather than leading a geezer from the A Team, and Jade Goody's squeeze, through a nightmarish piece of campery, in which Cleo had the most amazingly fixed smile since Tony Blair addressed the Women's Institute.
From the Scissor Sisters, let us consider Jermaine & Dirk, the Washing Up Brothers. It's notable that in most incarnations of BB, the majority of the group assume the role of layabouts, whilst the poor soul(s) who then try and restore order to the kitchen carnage get nominated, for being 'too fussy'. How long it would take for Jack, Jo & Danielle to end up licking food directly out of saucepans because there are no clean plates, knives or forks left, is open to debate, but I don't think I would rush to take up an invite to pop round for Sunday lunch at Jo's gaffe.
"When we on simple rations sup
How easy is the washing up!
But heavy feeding complicates
The task by soiling many plates."
Christopher Morley 2001
*I may have been exaggerating there.
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# posted by Terence : 9:10 PM
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
the ride of the valkyries
CBB5 Day Nineteen
Rather in the manner of Dorset folk plundering the beach at Branscombe and making off with their booty, CBB continues to scavenge for enough material to fill a one hour highlights show. I suspect the BB production team have legged it down to the West Country and lifted one of those barrels that washed up on the Dorset coast, as I think I hear the sound of the bottom of a barrel being scraped in rather a feverish frenzy.
Dirk "don't touch me!" Benedict is in the diary room, declaring that Cleo 'crossed the line'. He delivered this speech in the style of Robert Duvall as Lt Kilgore in Apocalypse Now. It was a disappointment that Dirk didn't go on to tell us that he loves the smell of napalm in the morning.
Meanwhile, we had another weak task, which didn't work out at all well either for the viewers or the participants.
H from Steps approaches every task like he is about to appear in the Royal Command Performance at the London Palladium, rather than (in this case) whilst sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a room measuring about six feet by six feet.
Cleo goes even further, treating the whole affair like a life or death situation. The previous day's excruciating costume drama did not prevent Cleo spending several hours preparing for another dire exhibition in which, acting out some awful monologue that would have seemed out of vogue even in the era of Joyce Grenfell, poor Cleo suffered the worst fate for a 'comedian' of dying, theatrically speaking, to a great roaring void of silence.
The judgement of whether the housemates had passed the task, or not, was clearly somewhat arbitrary. Jo, the Snigger Queen with the Dracula fangs, was lauded for creating a 'joke' involving a camel and its hump, whilst Danielle failed, attempting humour by constructing a simple mirror image of herself.
Danielle has some sort of tripwire in her brain that compels her to utter the two words, "Teddy Sheringham", at least once each hour.
Whether this is pleasing to the ageless West Ham maestro, we can only conjecture, but I imagine that warming up, running up and down the touchline, at the moment, may not be the most pleasurable experience for the Hammer wearing the number eight shirt.
"Oh... Teddy, Teddy....."
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# posted by Terence : 6:24 PM
Monday, January 22, 2007
the fly
CBB5 Day Eighteen
Twenty years ago, Jeff Goldblum starred in the movie, 'The Fly', in which he played Seth Brundle, a loopy scientist who teleports himself hither and thither, and due to an accidental fusion with a housefly, ends up undergoing some rather grim adventures.
If there is ever a danger of a re-make, I have the natural successor to Goldblum for the role...
Step into the spotlight please, Ms Shilpa Shetty. With her penchant for wearing monster 'Jackie Onassis' shades for most of her waking hours, Ms Shetty unfortunately bears the appearance of a (very pretty) human insect. Beware, if Shilpa ever invites you to join her in her telepod.
Whether it has become a conscious decision for several housemates to follow Jermaine's lead in BB fashion to wear shades, indoors, in the middle of winter, is open to conjecture, but it is sure having an impact on non-verbal communication.
However, Cleo more than compensated for this, with her, frankly, rather weird decision to unaccountably audition for a role in some sort of fourth division Catherine Tate style characterisation.
This was an awful, awful, moment of embarrassing television. With Dirk hating every second of the 'joke', Cleo followed the poor fellow around, imposing this dreadful piece of kindergarten acting onto Dirk in a cringingly physical manner.
Dirk seems to be a very morose man. Life appears to be something of a trial for him, and his grumpy view of the world was not improved by this peculiar and grotesque incident.
Unaware of the whole bullying furore outside the House (or at least the depth of it), it is sad indeed to see the inmates now simply moving on from Shilpa to Dirk as the focus of their 'Lord Of The Flies' target, with Cleo, unaccountably as the replacement leader following Jade's departure.
Quite why Cleo has transformed herself overnight from the 'voice of common sense' to this dreadful, baying, hellcat is impossible to answer, unless, whilst we slept, Shilpa dragged her into a 'Fly' teleport, and fused her with Jackiey, and Tubbs from The League of Gentlemen.
So we have Cleo in the diary room, noting that Dirk "could crack... we can play on that."
Inevitably, Jo is clamouring to join in, and after telling us about her previously unknown second hobby - this time, stealing from restaurant bathrooms - she said that Dirk's mood of gloom would make her want to, "do it more... I want to see him crack".
Cleo responded that they must take the "road where we aren't to blame. It will crack anyway. It might just take a day or two longer."
Ain't humanity a wonderful thing? And do you know the worst of it? The very worst thing?
Shilpa was joining in.
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# posted by Terence : 8:10 PM
Sunday, January 21, 2007
the cartoon phase
CBB5 Day Seventeen
Who would ever thought we could find a common link between Jade and the pin-up of the Premiership Football coaches?
Yet today, after her hand-wringing interview in the News of the World, Jade Goody finds herself in the same position as José Mourinho's current Chelsea side - no defence...
Reflecting back on the insubstantial eviction on Friday, it was very helpful of Davina, the new Professor Emeritus of International Languages at the University of Elstree, to draw a link between 'democracy', and viewers phoning in to evict a celebrity from the back-end of a television studio complex in Hertfordshire.
This, of course, must have been what Aristotle was musing upon as he studied under Plato in Ancient Greece.
In his works on Metaphysics, Aristotle tried to unravel the mystery of the unity of beings. He would have had his work cut out in the Big Brother House.
The house has moved in from its weird Eraserhead era, to a more bizarre, surreal cartoon phase. The inmates have evolved into characters form the 1970s tea-time favourite, Wacky Races.
With Shilpa as Penelope Pitstop. Penelope would sometimes antagonise and alarm the other racers as she put on her make-up during the race, and her car (the Compact Pussycat no less!) had been adapted to cater for all her grooming needs.
H from Steps is a sort of camp Peter Perfect and Jo & Danielle are the Gruesome Twosome in the Creepy Coupé.
...and although it's typecasting, how could we not have Jack as Muttley, and Dirk as Dick Dastardly?
I was looking at the description of Wacky Races at the Internet Movie Database. It says, "The rules are extremely lax and allow for... a wide range of tactics". There we are - an ideal fit for BB!
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# posted by Terence : 6:34 PM
Saturday, January 20, 2007
the conspiracy theory
CBB5 Day Sixteen
Unlike Jack and H from Steps seeking to find Norfolk on the map, we find ourselves seeing the world of CBB in crystal clear fashion. I can see clearly now the reign (of Jade) has gone.
Let us muse upon a conspiracy for a moment...
Who looks after Jade's 'career'?
While we're about it, who looks after Davina McCall, Russell Brand and Dermot O'Leary (and Chantelle Houghton too, for good measure)?
Just a doggone moment - they are all managed by the same company! Step forward into the spotlight please, John Noel Management.
Is it too big a leap to consider that this may be the fundamental reason why Jade was briefed so succinctly by the producers of CBB, in order that she could be led into a vague sort of apology, and thus redemption, prior to being hoofed out?
Don't let us ever think for one moment, that this whole shebang doesn't work to a script. The behaviour is manipulated and then packaged to run to the pre-ordained conclusion. Shilpa, too, was led down the same path, and to this day is still unaware of what was said and implied, out of her earshot.
However, Shilpa is decent and well-mannered, and her instinct would always be to overcome the conflict and seek resolution, when it is offered.
Yet we should not automatically follow down the expected route of demonising Jade (see David Beckham 1998 for the template). Jade is not stupid at all. As an example, she cottoned oh so quickly to the reality of what this episode could mean for her future. Wiping her nose on her sleeve, she wailed that she had so much to lose, and dreamed up a line made for headlines by noting that this was the programme that made her and now was going to break her.
She is not articulate, nor is she very well educated in the formal sense, and she has clearly had a troubled life.
Jade has issues with anger, certainly. She relishes, at times, conflict, beyond the scope that is considered normal. Indeed she seeks it out. She appears to exhibit bullying behaviour and the comments that have been highlighted could be deemed to have a 'racial', in Jade's own word, aspect to them.
However, we are not defined solely by two examples of our behaviour. For Jade can also be kind and look for the best in people. She clearly dotes on her children, and, touchingly, has a very well balanced view of her mother, treating her with respect and love, yet fully understanding her mother's issues, and, indeed, the impact those issues have had on Jade herself.
I won't be sucked in by the "I've learned my lesson", £100,000 interview being lined up by tomorrow's News Of The World, but nor will I believe we can define the whole person by a few day's worth of blisteringly bad behaviour.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 7:36 AM
Friday, January 19, 2007
the ordinary jo
CBB5 Day Fifteen
She’s an enigma, that Jo O’Meara. With her robust face that seems to have aged twenty years in the short time since her S Club excursion, and her poor grasp of meteorological conditions, and the calendar.
Jo to Jermaine, “Usually it snows just before Christmas – around now…”
Perhaps she is using the Coptic calendar.
So what do we know of this Joanne Valda O'Meara? Well we know that her hobby is playing the slot machines in arcades close to her Essex home, and we know that her solo career fizzled out with her first single failing to bother the charts.
When the bookies published their first list of odds, immediately after the housemates had tumbled into the house (doesn’t that seem like an age ago now?), Jo was the favourite to win the thing.
How life can change for today’s outspoken celebrity, when they are under the gaze of dozens of cameras and, perhaps more importantly, within the range of as many microphones.
Jo’s part in the whole baiting of Shilpa is, perhaps, more disturbing than that of her two cohorts. She is not only older (not always a guarantee of wisdom, I agree), but has seen more of the world, and has more life experience than the disturbed Jade, and the uneducated, and woefully immature, Danielle.
Jo’s sniggering behind a cushion, and raucous laughter in the face of the bewildered Shilpa, reminded me of Gwendoline Mary Lacey, one of the sillier schoolgirls of Malory Towers, from Enid Blyton’s dream-like realm.
Jo is one of life’s followers. Unlikely to ever suggest a late night feast in the dorm, but happy to smirk, and fan the flames of discord as her offensive and ignorant friends needle the ‘foreigner’. Joanne would have felt very much at home in the world of Enid Blyton, with its 1950s stereotypes - rough townie types against the educated, middle/upper classes who lived in the big houses on the edge of town.
I have little interest in the career of Jo O’Meara when she leaves the house and stumbles into the mess her ignoramus behaviour has created.
I ask only one thing of the increasingly inarticulate and fumbling Davina: Please don’t even dream of spitting out your normal closing line, “You’ve been a wonderful housemate!”
Because she hasn’t been.
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# posted by Terence : 6:15 PM
Thursday, January 18, 2007
the oxo cube
CBB5 Day Fourteen
Never has the saying 'money talks' been more apposite than today. With the news that Charles Dunstone's Carphone Warehouse is withdrawing its sponsorship from this whole BB debacle, we are able to deduce some important implications.
This action gives credibility to the concerns of all those who have turned OFCOM's post room and email inbox into a deluge of complaints, for the only language that is ultimately understood by commercial media outlets (in this case CH4) is that of financial Talk Talk.
We can be fairly sure that this afternoon's private coaching of Jade (in the diary room) was a panicky measure designed to save this grim series from (in media terms) an abject catastrophe. For surely, the next big hit, looming over the horizon, was/is the cancellation of the commercials betwixt and around CBB. If the major companies (and Ocean Finance...of course...) withdrew the revenue stream from this misadventure, then not only would CH4 be taking a beating financially, but we can be certain major heads would roll.
Nothing is more likely to turn the heads of Programme Controllers and Chief Executives than the possibility of a P45 being delivered with the afternoon tea and digestives.
Hence the 'grooming' of Jade towards redemption, and the encouragement to Shilpa to deny any racism. Shilpa, of course, has not seen and heard what we have seen and heard.
Direct quotes from the grotesque Danielle during Day Fourteen:
After the argument, "That was f***ing fantastic. I loved it."
"I think she should f*** off home."
"She can't even speak English properly anyway."
To Jade, "I think your mum would have been proud of you."
Of course, Danielle has not only been saving up her stupidity to fire at Shilpa. When she learned that the vacant Jack had been detained in the diary room to resolve the shopping list, she asked Jade, "Can he read?"
Which in fact, may have been a question on the lips of many, but social etiquette would normally stop us blurting out such an indiscreet notion.
Danielle, though, has no such restraints.
So the dark, brooding, menacing air continues to congeal in the atmosphere in a small part of Borehamwood. I suspect that if this nightmare of a 'show' limps its way to the full length of Lord knows how many days, it will go down in the annals of broadcasting as one of the most ill-advised, poorly produced, and abysmally managed calamities ever staged.
"Your claim to fame is this. Good for you!"
Shilpa Shetty. January 2007.
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# posted by Terence : 8:30 PM
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
the witches of primark
CBB5 Day Thirteen
"No overt racial abuse" says CH4's carefully worded statement. Let's be crystal clear what they mean there. They mean that the bullies have not (as is common in this type of behaviour) stood before Shilpa and expressed their neanderthal theories to her face.
In fact, Danielle (allegedly, the 'intelligent' one) told Shilpa that, "No-one's got any bad feelings against you"
Yeah, right.
The opposite of overt is 'covert' - meaning, covered, hidden, concealed. Sadly CH4 did not find it within themselves to add to their limp statement that there has, however, been covert racist (and overt bullying) behaviour.
"I haven't bitched about no-one" says Danielle in her 'intelligent' double-negative way. Yet, through it all, the sheer decency of Shilpa shines on, even as Jade felt the need to relate what she clearly felt was a hilarious anecdote about the unlikely dream she alleged had drifted through her brain the previous night.
In this dream, Jade had become involved in a sort of can-can styled kicking fight with Shilpa (surprise!). Whilst one can easily imagine Jade in such a situation, the very thought of Shilpa putting on a pair of Doctor Martens and having a good boot at Jade stretches the imagination one step too far.
However, although I would never encourage violence, a small part of me would rather welcome the sight of Shilpa giving Jade a swift kick up the bum.
Meanwhile, the increasingly unlikeable Jo had a dramatic panic attack. Never a pleasant experience, but it was incredible how half a dozen 'housemates' immediately made a frightening situation much worse for the former S Clubber by surrounding her, closing her in to exacerbate her claustrophobia, and fussing about waving laminated sheets at her and generally adding to the degrees of panic already shimmering through her nerve endings.
It is unfortunate that the last couple of years ('the post S Club period' as it shall be known to historians) have not been kind to Jo. She has rather a 'hard as nails' type face, in the form of the Pam St Clement from East Enders species of tough dames. Jo does little to help undo this impression with her tendency to wear unflattering clothing that looks like it has been bought direct from the bargain bin in Primark, ("A New Year - A New Look For You! And All For Under £1.50!).
"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"
Shilpa Shetty, January 2007
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# posted by Terence : 6:58 PM
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
the dishevelled danielle
CBB5 Day Twelve
OK, let's just do this bit: Shilpa could probably be a little irritating, if you are easily irritated; she is a tiny bit self absorbed, and has a mildly annoying laugh.
That's it.
Now then, is the behaviour and language directed towards Shilpa to be considered racism? Is it bullying?
Yes. It is.
However, although it doesn't excuse the behaviour, I suspect it is born from ignorance and a desire to 'showboat' in front of equally uninformed, ill-educated and offensive bores, of a world that exists beneath the acceptable veneer of modern society.
I feel ashamed today. That may say more about me, than the repellent behaviour of Danielle and her clumsy S Club cohort, but as a white, 'middle class' male, I feel shame to be part of a culture that has led to this.
Of course, we can say it is just a daft reality TV show, and we would be right. But that doesn't make Danielle and Jo's shallow and crude, cretinous values any more acceptable.
As Danielle is coming out with 'hilarious' one-liners ("Do they eat with their fingers? I don't know where her fingers have been.") CH4 is currently finding it more appropriate to lead its website coverage with a badly written summary of H from Steps getting highlights in his hair.
Meanwhile MPs are asking questions hither and thither; OFCOM are receiving sackfuls of complaints; and BB related websites are chock full of adverse comments, and genuine bewilderment and concern.
Of course, when CBB is over, this imbroglio will be yesterday's news and tomorrow's fish 'n' chip paper, but I cannot escape a feeling of sadness that this (clearly underlying) bigotry and narrow-mindedness is still prevalent in Britain in 2007. I genuinely thought that we had long moved on from believing it is fair game to pick on someone because their skin colour is a little different to our own; their accent is not like ours; and they may have alternative beliefs. It is with cheerlessness that I write that I was wrong to believe that.
"Mentally dishevelled" is Cleo's wonderful description of Danielle. Let's add - uncultured, uneducated and unenlightened while we're about it.
“Nothing in the world is more dangerous than a sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.”
Martin Luther King.
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# posted by Terence : 7:48 PM
Sunday, January 14, 2007
the grievous sin of cooking dinner
CBB5 Day Eleven
Although Shilpa continues to find the whole BB experience surreal and overwhelming, she did manage to find time to re-engage with Danielle by taking a verbal swipe at poor harmless Dirk. Of course, there could be little more engaging to the quirky Danielle than to back-bite another whilst they are out of earshot.
Danielle is swiftly emerging as the number one candidate to take over the juvenile lead in the house, from the departed Little Leo, with her greatest teenage moment coming when she accused Shilpa (behind her back, of course,) of committing the grievous sin of cooking dinner.
Danielle is the kid who sat at the back of the school bus, smoking a roll-up, making catty remarks about the netball captain.
If Danielle has a fellow traveller in the house, it has to be the monosyllabic Jack, whose time on CBB5 so far, has had all the impact of a flea landing on Nelson's Column.
Whatever the future holds we can be sure (after the Tribute Band task) that Jack will not be troubling the Top 40 with his vocal talents. Nor, in case, the BBC bookers are wondering, does he appear to be a candidate for the next run of Celebrity Mastermind.
Of course, both Danielle and Jack will now be able to live off this fleeting fame for, oh... at least a week or two, as they have now crossed the winning line and can be classed as bona fide celebrities, enriched with the award of being famous simply for being famous.
But what of the long term prospects?
No problem at all, we can be sure, as in years to come, Jack and Danielle could have leading roles as 'couple on sofa' in an Ocean Finance commercial. They are simply made for it.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 10:43 PM
Saturday, January 13, 2007
the zombie from the jacuzzi
CBB5 Day Ten
This season of CBB is turning into an unique experience. In contrast to last year's cheery pantomime, with its youthful vigour and Cinderella romance, the 2007 version is a dark and troubled affair. There are undercurrents and swirling tides of brooding surrealism. It is as if the whole affair is being directed by David Lynch. It's a cartoon remix of Eraserhead. The commercial breaks in the highlights show come as gentle relief from the intensity. Don't rain on my parade.
God forbid, but it would be no surprise to wake up one morning to hear of some sort of mutant creature emerging from the plughole of the much underused Jacuzzi and learning that it is has devoured Jo from S Club whilst she slept.
I think the most likely explanation for the mood of doom in the house is that all housemates secretly went through some sort of voodoo ritual in the green room at Elstree prior to being prised into their respective limos.
They are all actually zombies (this of course would also be a sensible explanation for Dermot O'Leary) who have all been reawakened to their new personas by some awful shamanic process, leaving them completely in control of their Endemol masters.
It's not easy to be sure whether it was a dream sequence, but I thought I saw Danielle in a pink tracksuit nominating Leo for acting like an elderly voyeur. Wonderfully, Dirk nominated H for being too happy, but then ruined the moment when he nominated Jermaine for the old, cheesy, non-reason of helping him to leave as he was missing the 'real' world.
In the end, we learned that Little Leo would have been scooped out via the public vote, but due to the manipulation of the procedures by CH4 (Carole & Cleo being parachuted into the eviction lottery for a rather nondescript violation of the 'rules') the Sunday Mirror columnist was ejected well in time to meet the deadline for her to script her exposé in tomorrow's EXCLUSIVE!
Sleep well Big Brother housemates, but keep half an eye open for the lady in the radiator...
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# posted by Terence : 12:12 PM
Friday, January 12, 2007
the pants
CBB5 Day Nine
Ah such a timely departure for raging Little Leo, the self-styled hard man of CBB5. It is curiously appropriate that he has left following a dispute with BB - not about demands for barrels of alcohol, ganja, or even packets of Marlboro; the wild man of Borehamwood jemmied his way out of the House after a disagreement about underpants. His own, I should stress, although he seemed to have a rather sad interest in poor Danielle's garments.
Little Leo never quite 'got it' did he? We must assume he had never watched the show, or if he had, he must have continued to kid himself that he was above it all; coating himself with the delusions we have considered in previous columns.
One imagines that 'crisis talks' were soon in progress at BB Headquarters. On behalf of a desperate nation I make a plea - don't put Jackiey back in there! With her gravelly voice and her unusual habits, she is far better placed in the Borehamwood Holiday Inn, than back in our living rooms.
How wonderful, the eulogies that followed Jackiey out of the house the other night. The way Cleo described it, we could have been persuaded it was one of the holiest of saints who had just risen to heaven, rather than some tattooed bint who had just gone about fifty yards from the BB house studio, to the Davina debacle, and on to her mid-priced hotel on the Barnet by-pass.
So let us remember Jackiey for her wit, allure and poise.
"I've brought jewelry in as eviction presents! I love leaving things.... but I don't think I'm giving Indian any present..."
Oh! Such charm!
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# posted by Terence : 7:46 PM
Thursday, January 11, 2007
the stockholm syndrome
CBB5 Day Eight
Carole, Leo and Duck up for eviction; so it's between Meltdown Man, The Face & a motherly figure from the Sunday Mirror.
Dirk is an odd fish. If they were allowed writing implements in there, he'd be scribbling 'Dirk4Shilpa' all over the walls. Earlier this week he proved the old adage of the UK and the US being two nations divided by a common language when he commented that he could hardly understand a word that anyone was saying. I don't see many viewers having strong views about Dirk, so we can anticipate his survival.
Carole is this year's primary example of Big Brother Stockholm Syndrome (BBSS) in which we generally find one of our sojourners arrives in the house after a VT implying that they are above the whole thing. In Carole's case, the hard driven journalist was going to investigate BB from the inside, enabling her to enhance her 'ability' to write rather gauche pieces, targeting the usual victims from tv and tabloid notoriety.
However, I must advise the court that Carole has fallen right into the BBSS trap that has captured so many of her predecessors. The empathy and factionalism that has hit every single group since Melanie Hill led the way in 2000.
Carole or Leo? Leo or Carole? The conundrum that is regularly faced. Dump the pain in the butt (Leo) or keep him because he makes better viewing with his self absorbed, 'me, me, me' ravings, and his Guantanamo Bay, and his "Air conditioning? Noise terrorism! I wouldn't keep a dog like this!" madness?
Alternatively boot out the tiresome Carole, with her 'I'm older, let me advise you' platitudes, or keep her in because... erm... actually I can't think of any reason why we may want to keep her with us.
Carole Malone is unlikely to ever win any 'Entertainer of the Year' awards.
Let's have a punt. My two pounds is on Little Leo to be hoofed out on Friday. Back to Oz and his little delusional world. G'day mate.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 7:03 PM
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
the meltdown of leo
CBB5 Day SevenStick with me here for a moment if you would, for I will find my point somewhere in this little olde faeble...
The tale came to me last night as I watched (on tv) the youthful Arsenal side bash six goals past a strangely out of sorts Liverpool, and I began to think about Arsene Wenger. For years he was known as the urbane, cultured French fellow, whose only real show of emotion is when he does that odd arm pumping thing when Arsenal score. The odd bit is how he keeps his arms at hip level so he looks like a five year old, in the playground, impersonating a steam train.
Cool, sophisticated Arsene, or so we thought.
Then, this season, the occaisionally pompous Arsenal team did not perform to the levels expected. Their league form has been inconsistent, and Thierry has not been firing on all his (superhuman admittedly) cylinders.
So Arsene began to feel the pressure, and began, at times of stress, to overheat (to continue the steam theme...), and we have seen another side to Monsieur Wenger that many believed did not exist.
West Ham scored a goal, very late in the game, and Arsene Wenger lost his marbles (les marbres) and got into an argy-bargy with the then manager of the Hammers, Alan Pardew. This was a shock. A bit like seeing Barbie take on a Power Ranger in a fight to the death.
Or like watching Leo Sayer take on the world in the shape of Big Brother (see? I told you we'd get there).
What ever happened to the irritatingly chirpy fellow who told us, "I'm really good at cheering up a room?"
Suddenly we are faced with this professional miserablist who makes Morrissey seem like Keith Chegwin.
Perhaps in times to come, Leo may realise that linking the Big Brother house to Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay is a little, may we say, excessive. More Bracklesham Bay than Guantanamo Bay, I propose.
So Leo angrily strides down the well worn McCririck path of 'demanding' to see the contract. This was wonderful stuff as Little Leo sat in the diary room with his little spectacles and studied page after page of this mysterious contract. He then stood up, said his 'thankyous' and carried on as if nothing had ever happened.
You see, Leo - you can't 'win'. You agreed to go in there, and hand over editorial control. You made the mistake that at least one or two bozos make each year in CBB. You are no longer surrounded by your yes men and, indeed, yes women.
You've made the career bending catastrophic, ego ridden, mistake of convincing yourself that you are responsible for the 'Thunder In My Heart' 'second time around' hit last year.
Buddy, it ain't you. When Meck took it to number one, hardly anyone knew it was you warbling away.
There is no great Leo resurgence. No matter what your acolytes tell you, and what you tell yourself. So telling us that as a celebrity, you should be treated with respect, won't wash here.
Good luck with the career though. I'm not sure whether you have just enhanced your chances or blown them completely. I'm afraid I suspect it is the latter...
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 7:07 PM
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
the erotic jacket
CBB5 Day Six
As I sit here writing this, looking out at the grey skies of North London, the BBC is reporting, “Authorities in New York are attempting to identify a persistent gas smell across a large part of lower Manhattan.” Surely it can’t be Jackiey? Not from this distance?
Thank God (or CH4, whichever has the greater authority in these matters) that the master/servant thing is over. The place was becoming a whine house without the offer of rehab ('Try to make me go to rehab. I say no, no, no'). It is fascinating how, with each series, a pattern is repeated. The bonhomie and Enid Blyton platitudes of the first few days (“We’ll all be friends forever!”) can be blown to pieces with a few simple costume changes and the splitting of the part into two groups.
The boss/underling business actually highlighted a number of issues endemic in society, and, no doubt, academics in Oxbridge are already planning post graduate courses in sociological theories derived from the first major task of CBB5.
As we know, this whole Upstairs Downstairs exercise became somewhat debilitating for Leo. In the dying embers of the task we were again gifted an example of Leo’s bizarre conversational technique. Telling Danielle that he woke up in the night with amorous feelings towards her (rather unappealing) jacket, her expression spoke volumes. Actually, not volumes, but three words, ‘grubby old man’.
I’ve rather warmed to Jade in the last thirty-six hours. Nothing became her in her four years of ‘fame’ as her passionate defence of the downtrodden. This did not seem like some clever, manipulative ploy for the cameras (could Jade ever engineer such a thing?), but more like the expression of a fiery, innate sense of decency. The valuing of the care and well being of others, above the desires of those that already ‘have’. Well done that gal.
But let us focus on Jackiey today (put a lens cap over the focus please), for Jackiey remains a fascinatingly one-dimensional figure in the BB house. The auditory experience of Jackiey is like listening to Motorhead from inside their on-stage speaker system, whilst having your fingernails extracted by Edward Scissorhands. Imagine Eliza Doolittle being trained in social graces and etiquette by the Taliban.
Jackiey appears to burn with anger and frustration 24/7. It’s sad, in the truest definition of the word. Life for Jackiey seems to be an ordeal, a vortex of disappointment and anguish. A daily climb of Everest, except she never even reaches base camp.
I wonder if Jackiey has any friends “in real life” as they say in the argot of the Internet. For patience and inner tranquillity would be pre-requisites for such a demanding role, and I wonder if such a saintly being exists. I hope so, as she seems such a lonely, disheartened lady, who only knows how to react with one level of emotion – an extreme and very raw level, at that.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 5:58 PM
Sunday, January 07, 2007
the toffs and the proletariat
CBB5 Day Five
Well it was getting a little tedious watching the catatonic Gerard Hugh Sayer (a three year old in a fifty eight year old body) and Cleo Rocos (who clearly shares a hair stylist with Don King) recreating Upstairs Downstairs but without Mrs Bridges there to keep them in their place. However, the cobwebs of tedium were dynamited away by the whole place being transformed into a kind of sociological study on class division and the differing expectations of strata of society across the world.
It may have been what was intended, or it may, nolens volens, have just appeared at the right time by some seismic shift in the cosmos. Or by Jade's mum.
Interestingly, the whole Big Cheese/Flunky thing has caused as much disquiet to those who are used to employing hirelings, as to Jade and her crew (oh - with the exception of Jackiey who appears to be relishing the whole deal, and clearly not sharing Jade's feelings of inadequacy with the set up).
However, Jackiey's gusto is easily confused as it swirls into a melting pot of emptiness and nothingness, because her endless, outspoken running commentary on life blurs the perimeters of any hope of sense, until we are left quivering with exhaustion unable to keep up to the challenge of translating as she fires along her narrow ploughed path of diction and idiom.
Here we have the key to the debate. There will be those who will insist such behaviour is simply 'having a laugh', and there is certainty that this form of communication and comportment is recreated across our land, and indeed is magnified, in corridor towns and urban landscapes on Fridays and Saturdays as the revellers turn out from their evening's entertainment at Rocky's or Cheekeee's (often without the apostrophe, but with a kidney bursting at the seams).
Then there are those who will insist that such conduct mirrors the decline in values and belonging, in society today. The lack of respect and the desire to renounce ownership or responsibility for our own actions.
Meanwhile, Jackiey is in the diary room requesting her medication, and asking for the heating to be turned down as it is making her itch.
Jermaine is musing that "You can't reason with stupidity".
They may as well bring in Jade's grandparents now to complete the set. Oh, they just have. Jump back up on the couch would you? Tell me about your childhood.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 9:45 PM
Saturday, January 06, 2007
the 25th most influential person in the world
CBB5 Day Four
"Do you live in a house or a shack?" So much revealed by that simple sentence.
Thus spake the mother of the '25th most influential person in the world'.
I am convinced that Ken is receiving messages from aliens through the tentacle-like aerials that are disguised as his eyebrows. These aliens are taking over his thought processes and forcing him to tell Shilpa that he intends to wash her underwear and "her stockings". There can be no other reason why a seventy-nine year old man would make such a helpful offer.
Meanwhile an entire shipload of university students could write a barrel load of theses about the influence of alcohol on young, pretend punk rockers from Buckinghamshire. Donny Woolworths shed one personality overnight like a snake disposing of a layer of skin, emerging the next day to become a cheerful, amiable, Home Counties, Middle-Englander who could comfortably sit down with Bob Geldof for Sunday lunch.
The decision to leg it over the wall was probably the best piece of judgement Donny had made since tumbling out of the limo, but how thrilling of Watkins of the Third Year to histrionically recreate the moment for the other inmates, yet take great care to establish that it wasn't him Sir, it was all that Donny Woolworth's idea Sir. It wasn't me. I wasn't there. I did lift him up yes, but I didn't do it.
Catherine Tate would be very proud.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 11:36 PM
the beret of gloom
CBB5 Day Three
I genuinely hope I'm wrong, but I feel an air of gloom descending over this year's CBB. This gloomy glumness was not lifted with the sight of Davina impersonating Citizen Smith impersonating Frank Spencer.
Things we saw today:
Kindly Ian "I'm out" Watkins offered his lip salve to the rest of the group in the manner of someone handing out wine gums. Unsurprisingly, no-one took up his generous offer.
Shilpa is beginning to show that she was stitched up in her pre-entry VT and we are now seeing a far more humble and rounded person.
The big surprise - there is a house next door! Revealed by Davina as if she was unfolding the eternal secrets of the universe. We knew there was going to be a bloody house next door! In particular, the 'housemates' had known following newspaper speculation (accurate speculation) before they had even pulled up in the limos, that there was to be a house next door, and that Jade and her affiliates would be involved.
Thus we have the issue encapsulated. BB is now so well known, and the potential 'surprises' are either so well worn, or so well predicted, that we know what's coming before Davina has one of seizures in telling us the latest 'twist'.
The production team have enough time and resources to come up with new ideas and schemes (and keep them quiet) without these rather lame and hackneyed concepts.
Hence the gloom and glumness. At the moment CBB5 is treading water. The celebrities are all too aware of what is going on and are second guessing the next moves. There is a perception that many (all?) are there for the fee and the increased profile in an ever more knowing way. A kind of 'stick it out for twenty-odd days and feel the ripples in my bank account' vibe going on.
Great for the celebs. Less so for the viewer.
Who can blame Donny for clambering over the wall?
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 1:28 PM
Thursday, January 04, 2007
the pirate of buckinghamshire
CBB5 Day Two
Aha! Already the game has begun. Let's make fun of the old geezer.
I'm worried for Ken Russell; we may yet see the first BB contender expire (whilst being monitored by thirty seven cameras). Maybe it is because I see my own calendar galumphing around and I can see my future in a sort of Ken Russell world of badly fitting trousers and a dazed expression.
How soon it becomes apparent that a contender's chances of winning are so reliant on the edit for the highlight show. This evening we saw that the camera does not find much of interest in Carole Malone, yet it follows Donny around like a cougar stalking a hyena. Donny is a strange fish and no mistake; a sort of Woolworth's version of a 1977 punk. A sort of Johnny Depp-lite.
Things we learned today:
To alleviate the problem of not wishing to introduce himself, Jermaine, handily, has his name emblazoned across his trousers. However to confuse those with whom he has just met, he also has the names of the other Jackson family members scribbled out on his jeans in a bizarre marriage of sequins and coloured threads. I imagine he doesn't put these jeans through a hot wash.
I'm wondering if Jermaine is being sponsored by Oil Of Olay. He must duck his entire face into a bucketful of the stuff several times a day. It's either Oil Of Olay or chip fat. I'll keep looking for clues and let you know.
Ian told us how he 'came out in the papers' just before he entered the house. He said this as if anyone who ever knew of his work whilst in Steps would be even mildly surprised at the news.
I was trying to think of who Little Leo reminded me of as he paraded in his retro stripey jim-jams... Andy Pandy! That's it. Without Teddy and Looby Loo at his side, it took me a while to put him into context.
But back to Donny. Always back to Donny Woolworth.
"You're still 'aving it son", he croaked to a startled Dirk Benedict, "You must know how to blow sh*t up!".
Later Donny added to the jollity of the day by gobbing into the hot tub. It's one way of topping up the water level, I suppose...
Will Jermaine run out of emollients to smear all over his face? Will Carole be seen for more than ten seconds of screen time? Will Jade Goody or Lauren Harries be launched in tomorrow night?
Hide the remote.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 8:14 PM
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
the importance of being davina
CBB5 Day One
A nation worries for the mental health of Davina McCall, with her new Croydon face lift hairstyle, and her ever increasing capacity to gurn at the camera, like Jim Carrey on E.
We now have the additional facial expression with which we will undoubtedly become exasperatingly acquainted over the next few weeks - the serial killer smile. To employ this look, Davina jerks into a freeze-frame stance and leers at us, in the manner of Jack Nicholson as The Joker.
So, let us review the line up. In the order in which they skedaddled along the rainy red carpet...
1. Jermaine Jackson - a rather weather beaten look and the inevitable mirror shades. "How did I get into all of this?" questioned Jermaine in his pre-match VT. Perhaps the rather large appearance fee had something to do with it, Mr Jackson, non?
2. Danielle Lloyd - close friend of age-less West Ham supersub, Teddy Sheringham. First housemate so far to use the 'I'm here so everyone can see the real me' strategy. I wondered if CH4 might bring Teddy on for the last twenty minutes of the show, but he stayed on the bench (or, to be more accurate, the sofa, at home).
3. Ken Russell - loopy film director, who may be this year's irascible McCririck doppelganger. Wearing a pair of Simon Cowell trousers, he appeared to be suffering from something; but I'm not sure what it is...
4. Jo O'Meara - refugee from S Club 7, she made little impact, yet, inexplicably is the early favourite with the bookmakers.
5. Little Leo Sayer - yet another attempt to turn the clock back thirty years. "I'm really good at cheering up a room", he squeaked. We'll see if everyone is still saying that after a week or so. Wore a Hare Krishna scarf.
6. Shilpa Shetty - just one vowel away from the most unfortunate surname to adorn Big Brother to date. Heavily made up, and immaculately dressed, did she really say "I'm special" and "I'm very synonymous with glamour" ? Yes, she did.
7. Carole Malone - the one lone cry of 'Who are ya?' as she creaked up the stairs said it all. Complete outsider with the bookies and likely to be booted out early on.
8. Donny Tourette - unlikely to be his real name, I suggest. Gave first impression of being an imbecile, whose chief hobby is spitting. Allegedly the boyfriend of Peaches Geldof, but not the sort of chap one would take home to meet Papa. Likely to prompt Daily Mail readers towards appealing for the return of compulsory National Service.
9. Ian 'H' Watkins - currently third favourite, he seemed rather 'normal', which may count against him as the weeks drag by. Former member of Steps, but everyone deserves a second chance in life.
10. Cleo Rocos - Brazilian gal, who is chiefly known for not doing very much since appearing in lame Kenny Everett sketches, several decades ago. Seemed rather pleasant but will not attract the level of voting needed to progress far, one foresees.
11. Dirk Benedict - former member of the 'A' Team, his dramatic entrance was undermined when, after the rest of him climbed out of the van, his left leg appeared to follow on about twenty seconds later.
It came across as somewhat of a low key start to CBB 2007. It rained. There was no Hasselhof, no Stephen Hawking, and thank heavens, no Robert Kilroy-Silk.
Will Shilpa be able to ignore Donny's rolling spitballs of phlegm? Will little Leo try and organise some party games, "I'm really good at cheering up a room" ?
Let the games of the CBB Olympiad commence.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 7:43 PM
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
the glamour of LED lighting
CBB5. The day before day one.
So here we are. On the edge of the cliff. Like riders on the storm, dogs without bones, actors out alone and any other analogy you would like to throw in for free.
To date, everyone from Stephen Hawking to Kate Moss has been mooted as a 'definite' to enter the 2007 version of bedlam.
Only Saddam Hussein has been omitted from the listings provided by the compact newspapers (and some of the less compact ones too) and his unavailability is for the rather straightforward reason that he is dead. Although this didn't prove to be a hindrance for Faria Alam last year, who at least gave the impression of being completely lifeless.
Whoever they are, we are assured by the official CH4 website that no expense has been spared this time, to ensure that the contenders are living in a world of luxury combining the heights of The Ritz, The Wolseley and your local Wyevale Garden Centre.
They tell us:
"The garden has been extensively redesigned and 'tied' with a steel ribbon - LED lighting and a brand new 8-seater hot tub add to the glamour factor."
Oh man - some LED lights! Such glamour indeed!
Finally - some last minute pleas to Endomol and CH4:
Please - oh dear God, please...
No 'House Next Door...'
No housemates allowed to 'amusingly' immitate Marcus Bentley ("It's Day Three in the Big Broother Hoose").
...and above all.... no really CH4, above everything....no evicting some celebrity sap, only for the Great & The Good in Elstree to decide the viewers were wrong and allow same sap back in under some spurious rule change.
Here we go then - open the trap door and let the celebrities tumble to their fate.
remotevision@gmail.com
So here we are. On the edge of the cliff. Like riders on the storm, dogs without bones, actors out alone and any other analogy you would like to throw in for free.
To date, everyone from Stephen Hawking to Kate Moss has been mooted as a 'definite' to enter the 2007 version of bedlam.
Only Saddam Hussein has been omitted from the listings provided by the compact newspapers (and some of the less compact ones too) and his unavailability is for the rather straightforward reason that he is dead. Although this didn't prove to be a hindrance for Faria Alam last year, who at least gave the impression of being completely lifeless.
Whoever they are, we are assured by the official CH4 website that no expense has been spared this time, to ensure that the contenders are living in a world of luxury combining the heights of The Ritz, The Wolseley and your local Wyevale Garden Centre.
They tell us:
"The garden has been extensively redesigned and 'tied' with a steel ribbon - LED lighting and a brand new 8-seater hot tub add to the glamour factor."
Oh man - some LED lights! Such glamour indeed!
Finally - some last minute pleas to Endomol and CH4:
Please - oh dear God, please...
No 'House Next Door...'
No housemates allowed to 'amusingly' immitate Marcus Bentley ("It's Day Three in the Big Broother Hoose").
...and above all.... no really CH4, above everything....no evicting some celebrity sap, only for the Great & The Good in Elstree to decide the viewers were wrong and allow same sap back in under some spurious rule change.
Here we go then - open the trap door and let the celebrities tumble to their fate.
remotevision@gmail.com
# posted by Terence : 6:57 PM
