Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Foot In Mouth Disease
CBB6 Day Eleven
Stop her! Stop her! In the name of all that is good on this earth, somebody please stop her now!
We were lulled, teased and led to a state of relaxation by the opening shot of Tina using a tissue.
"Hoorah!", cried a grateful nation.
I assumed, (as it turns out, wrongly) that a kindly, sensible, soul had taken Tina aside and 'had a quiet word' with her about her grooming habits.
But no! Here we go, Tina is picking at her ear!
Wait a minute! She's picking at her feet! No, this can't go on.
Hold it! She's biting her feet - and trying to tear off bits of skin.
Now, this is where I may shock you. I am not, in fact, a doctor, or medically qualified in any way.
However, my instinct tells me (I feel you may agree) that it is probably not the greatest display of hygiene to use your mouth to bite random parts of your feet (or indeed any other major parts of the human anatomy), without, as a bare minimum, soaking those same feet in the sort of substance we see those good folk in Holby City or Grey's Anatomy dousing themselves in, before they go and do what they do in their respective operating theatres (or even theaters).
As Tina was in her dressing gown (incidentally, how reassuring to see that Mutya's disrobing of her gown was merely a fleeting fancy - it was back, glued on, yesterday) - yes, as Tina was in her dressing gown, for one passing second, I thought about the romantic scene, back on Merseyside.
Tina and her partner, having had a lovely dinner at a top Liverpudlian diner (ok, fantasise and pretend that such a place may exist), they return to the love nest, and after sticking on a romantic CD (Echo & The Bunnymen's Greatest Hits?) they settle down to do what comes naturally. Tina's partner seeks her precious lips and aches to place a loving kiss on that delicate gob, the size of the Mersey Tunnel, when she whispers in his ear, "Hang on a second luv..." and she whips her big toe into her beak, and proceeds to rip off delicate shavings of skin and nail.
"Right luvver boy, where were we?"
I rather liked Ulrika's description of her feelings when she became aware that Terry had described her as being just a tad high-handed.
"You made a hole in me", she lamented, in a sort of pastiche of dialogue from 'Gone With The Wind'.
Though Vivian Leigh may have had the edge with "Oh! If I just wasn't a lady! What wouldn't I tell that varmint!"
However, Ulrika did bring a sense of drama with her "You could have made me collapse..." riposte.
LaToya may well have just about hit a spot on analysis when she figured that Ulrika is playing a sort of double bluff. Push everyone into thinking you are desperate to get out, so that they do all they can to keep you in. It may work too.
Back, as so often, to Tina. She displayed a marvellously outdated view of the use and purpose of the internet. "You've got to be ----ed up and insecure to use Facebook!" she squawked, seemingly unaware that Ben has 'discovered' his last three girlfriends through the very same network.
This led to the day's best 'one-liner'. When Ben said that Tina was like a battering ram, after her anti-internet rant, Terry replied, "Well she'll never get sponsored by Google now..."
There is though, I suppose, a marketing opportunity advertising cream for verrucas and athletes foot. It doesn't bear thinking about, does it?
# posted by Terence : 7:01 PM
