Saturday, January 03, 2009
The thrill of the laminate
CBB6 Day One
In an ever changing world, it is reassuring that some things stay, eternally, the same. Look! There's Davina, and hark! Listen - still, a sentence begins, the volume is set to 'normal'... then, suddenly, a voice box explosion, and our ears recoil to the raw roar of the huge shoutiness, at the end of the gibbering wreck of the sentence.
Oh yes, the serial killer smile remains in place, the manic grin as we totter to another commercial break, and this year, as a novelty, Davina produces for our delight, a coat made from the finest Yeti fur, and modelled on childhood favourites, The Banana Splits.
To keep the essence of continuity, we have a tour of the House. Meet the new house, same as the old house.
In traditional style, let us peruse the hapless 'housemates' as they weave their feckless way through the barrage of boos and awkward banners.
1. LaToya, with her strangely stretched face, and what will undoubtedly become her catchphrase, a sort of demonic giggle that is difficult to translate into print, but here is a spirited attempt, "Urrheeeeheeeheee..." After about thirty seconds, La Jackson seemed thoroughly underwhelmed by her initial experience. It would be a surprise if she lasts the course.
2. Mutya, she sounds like the title of a Chas & Dave song, but turns out to be an ex-SugarBabe, with tattoos here, there, and, indeed, everywhere - including her eyebrows. Mutya came up with the classical line that she was there to "learn more about myself", and also hoped there would be no bickering. Good luck with that one, Mutya.
3. Verne, pretty much unfazed by the contrived hullabaloo; likely to be patronised by Davina for the length of his stay, and also likely to become immensely bored. Predicted to spend endless hours sitting and smiling; appeared to have an early obsession with the laminated card containing the 'rules'. Verne - there are no rules.
4. Tommy Sheridan, Mr 'Conflict' and Mr 'Under Appeal' it would seem. "I am here under my terms". Believe it while you still can Oor Tam.
5. Lucy Pinder, said to be a glamour model, and discovered on Bournemouth beach, which made her sound like an ancient fossil. In fact she seemed rather sweet and 'genuine'. Ha! How such a trait has unravelled before in these circumstances...
6. Ben Adams, from A1, the boy band, not the major arterial route for northerners to escape to the south. Likely to get the Mum's vote, he had to be heartily shoved along by production assistants, in order to facilitate his progress towards the shaky double doors of the House.
7. Tina Malone, she called herself "Tony Soprano in a frock", but made it sound like it was a line she used daily, as a sort of defence mechanism. Kindly, she gave us a list of her troubles, which included hormonal issues, bipolar disorder, and OCD (not the initials of a dictionary, but, in fact, obsessive-compulsive disorder), so uh-oh, trouble ahead. She appeared to have a dead badger strapped to her stomach area, and was a big hit with the baying crowd.
8.Coolio, a bit odd, a bit full of himself. He told us he had won a lot of awards, he has strange hair, and he told us his alternative career would have been to have spent his time as a jailbird; so he'll feel quite at home.
9. Michelle Heaton, from Liberty X, she told us she was married to Andy Scott Lee for 18 months (congratulations Michelle...). Heavily made up in her VT, and heavily booed on her way in. She was very nervous.
10. Terry Christian, former flamboyant front man of the late night, post-pub, hooligan fest, that was 'The Word'. He seemed thin and trim, and told us everyone wants his gig and he has a love affair with Manchester. Says he is 'fireproof'. Don't play with any matches there Mr Christian.
11. Ulrika-ka-ka, the four children by four fathers was mentioned early on. Her VT showed her to be prettier and softer faced these days. Terry Christian told her they had lunch in Grouchos many years ago, and she either did not hear, or chose not to hear, leaving the fireproof Mancunian aimlessly grinning in her shadow.
Oh - here's Davina with some late news - there's going to be a 'secret room'! As Tony Hancock would have said, 'Well stone me!'.
Next she'll be telling us there will be 'good and evil' and 'heaven and hell' splits in the House. How about a late celebrity arrival? Ye Gods! Come up with something new cantcha?
# posted by Terence : 9:45 AM
